Thx for starting this thread raspberrytorte.

I had mood swings since my twenties. However they were mild but as I grew older the hills got steeper and the abysses deeper. After a couple of months of chronic fatigue, mild depression and mild social anxiety I went to my GP and he prescribed me paxil and DANG!!! Finally energy again, 7 times a week (sometimes twice a day) to the gym, started ballroom dancing lessons, no more social anxiety, trying to seduce women, went on steroids, first holiday alone very far away from home, quit my job, my long term relation, got fired at the new job for irresponsible behavior. Quit the paxil with a horrendous withdrawal period and finally depressed again. After 2 years again on paxil but this time I didn't go hypo/manic, I think, at least not as bad as the first time. But after a while the paxil pooped out and I quit again. Got a burnout from working full-time and studying bachelor at the same time. Suffered from insomnia for the first time in my life. Was on disability for a while but had to pay the bills so I went on paxil again. Miraculous recovery my employer told me, from one day to the other I was able to work full time again. But again the paxil pooped out after a couple of years. So I quit again. Did fairly well a couple of years until the insomnia came back. A couple of family members passed away in the same year. I grieved a long time, developed depersonalization/derealization and slowly slipped away into depression. Suffered from relational stress. Went alone on a vacation, came back exhausted because of the heat and lack of sleep. And then the party really began Did a suicide attempt, ended up in psychiatric hospital, was prescribed seroquel, finally I slept but I slept like 14 hours which I didn't like at all. I wanted my paxil back but hospital didn't wanna presribe it (now I understand why). I called my GP and he prescribed me paxil. Initially it relaxes my muscle tone, so I felt better a couple of days. But then I started to slip into probably full blown mania. Insomnia got very bad, sometimes just sleeping 3 hours a night. Hyper-sexual, went to prostitutes for the first time in my life, unprotected sex with strangers (got me an STD and infected my partner as well), flirting, even showing off about my girlfriends , spending spree, aggressive almost fighting on the street in traffic or in public transport, again 7 times a week to the gym plus a combat sport. Thought I was the best employee, a natural born talent, started to dress different and bought expensive clothes, thought I was a great musician and fantasized about leading a big band on stage (I hardly can play some chords on my guitar). Pressured speech and got mad if people didn't listen to me. Drank a lot of energy drinks and listened to aggressive music. Tried to get some coke or speed (fortunately the dealer didn't have at that time). Even wanted to step into the ring to have a fight (wtf I am 45 years of age...). Got knocked KO during sparring, kicked against the heavybag (before and after the regular training) until my shins were blue and bruised and had humps and injured my feet so badly that after almost 2 years I still suffer from it. Just because of the insomnia and sexual side effects I went to the GP again. First for viagra but then for mirtazapine because I read it had less sexual side effects but also for sleep. Finally I slept again but the lack of inhibition stayed and because of the weight gain it boosted my motivation to go to the gym even more.

Slowly I became more tired, first I thought I was working out too much so I started to skip some days, more and more days I skipped. I thought I fell in love with another, ended up my 16 years relation. Partner left my house, I quit mirtazapine and from one day to the other I was more depressed than ever . I didn't take care of myself anymore. Didn't eat for weeks, hardly drank, didn't wash until I started to smell myself so badly that I had to. Didn't change or wash my clothes, let alone clean the house and I stayed in bed almost 24 hours a day. Day and night rhythm was inversed. Ended up in hospital for 7 weeks. Didn't help and soon after leaving hospital I did another suicide attempt. They gave me seroquel plus lithium. But because of the side effects of lithium I quit after two weeks. Went into CBT but depression didnt get less. Was on lexapro for a while, became very restless and irritable again (possible oncoming mania?) . Quit it and then on wellbutrin which doesnt do anything but no side effects either . Meanwhile trying to get my life back on track (whatever the quality of life is at the moment) and looking at the mess I have left behind.

So far my story and contribution to this thread.
Thank you for reading.