I really had good intentions to do the right thing today in regards to my friend but as soon as she walked into receiving this morning I totally forgot where I was. I could not turn away. I couldn't focus on what my employee was trying to tell me. I tried to, but I kept staring. She had on this really low cut top on and it looked amazing on her. She has such a nice cleavage. When I approached her to talk alone I said, "I really like that top on you. You look great!" She replied, "I thought about you when I put it on this morning." What does that mean? Did she put it on because it asked her yesterday if any of the new tops she bought were low cut? I was flirting.

I feel like I'm in love but I can't be. I don't think I know what love is. This feels just like it did with my T except her boundaries are less strict. I know that because of the conversation I had with her today.

I went to lunch just before noon so I could be there while she was there. She walked in and it was great to see her. She sat down with her lunch and she gave me one of her two apples and one of her two eggs. I don't remember what else she had. Maybe a chicken breast. Anyway, I told her that my T was happy with the things that I've been working on over the past 2 weeks. Then I said, "I talked about you. I told him about my crush on you. He doesn't want me to get hurt." She said, "I don't want you to get hurt either." I said, "I don't care if I get hurt." She asked if this was a new kind of self injury. I told her that no I actually have 160 days without cutting and 5 months clean today. She smiled and said she was very happy for me.

I was trying really hard to not look at her chest but I just couldn't stop. She was eating an apple with almond butter and I was imagining licking the almond butter off of her chest. I want her so badly. I don't really remember how the conversation progressed but I remember telling her that I love her and that I don't feel that I am treating her with love or respect when I lust after her. She didn't understand and she said that I was judging myself too harshly and that she didn't feel disrespected. I feel good about that but in my head I just hear that as an excuse to continue. The conversation then went to boundaries we talked about boundaries and I asked her what her boundaries were with me. I told her I needed to know at what point she would tell me no. She said I won't have sex with you. I feel like that gives me a lot of leeway, still it's not healthy for me. Does that mean that she'd kiss me? What constitutes sex in her mind? Finally, towards the end of our lunch break somehow I'm talking about her chest and how I was looking at it and she smiled and said, "Yeah, you need to stop that." Though she's right, she is giving me mixed messages. Am I finally pushing too far? My T says that with each comment I say that I am just testing the waters and that so far all is well. So is looking at her breasts too much? Maybe I'm just "splitting hairs" here and I just need to stop no matter what. I guess I don't want to stop or I would.

I asked another friend, "What did I think about before I was focused on •••? Being the good friend that she is, she answered honestly and said, "your T." I knew that she was right. That disturbs me. This is what my life is. It's a series of people who I obsess over, fall in love with, whatever. I want to be free from this. I'm tired of feeling such heartache and pain being separated from these people. I'm going to finish the book this weekend. I hope that there's an answer in there for me because I don't want to go on like this anymore. I don't. I'm done. I feel like a desperate, lonely, horny, loser.