Hey,

Need to vent..

I've been sat here for 15 minutes with tears running down my face. I don't have the energy to cry properly, but I've just let the tears come, no energy to fight them either..

My friend has come across a street cat on her holiday that she's taken to the vet and wants to bring back home with her. The airline refuses to carry animals, so now there's a chance another person could bring the cat back. My friend asked if I could pick the cat up at the airport and take care of him/her for a day until my friend comes back home.

I immediately said yes because I love animals and would like nothing more than to take care of the little kitten. However, the moment I'd agreed, I started stressing out about my stomach. I suffer from IBS and social phobia and my stomach goes haywire whenever I need to deal with people.

Now I'm crying that I can't take this anymore. Whenever I'm supposed to be looking forward to and doing something fun, all the worrying about my stomach ruins it for me. I'm worried what people will think if I have to keep running to the bathroom. I'm worried they'll be mad at me for taking up so much of their time, or that they'll ridicule and judge me.

A few months ago, I told my therapist I wanted to kill myself. She took it as an insult that I'd rather top myself than share my pain with her and my friends - but I've been sharing my pain for f*ing years now and nothing has got any better! I'm DONE with this s*! I can't talk about these feelings to my therapist or my friends because they'll get mad, but no matter how wrong I am to feel this way, I DO wish I had the courage to at least end my life so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain anymore..

I've been planning movie nights with my friend so that I could be 'at my weakest' and run to the bathroom a thousand times if need be while in the company of someone who's agreed not to laugh at me or judge me.. I've been putting the first movie night off for two weeks now because I just can't face how horrendous I'm going to feel.

Moments ago, this little voice in my head kept trying to tell me to get a grip. It told me to think about people living in war zones and think whether it's really THAT bad that I HAVE to have movie nights with my friend and maybe have to run to the bathroom a few times when compared to those people!
I went berserk at the voice belittling me.. I heard myself say, 'Is it really not a big deal that my dad wanted to kill me!' I think this is what's at the root of all my fear when it comes to other people.. My dad didn't want me. He thought my mum was crazy for wanting children - and the idiot went and had kids with him anyway, thinking he'd change. Well, he didn't!

And now I have to live with the flippin' legacy of being an unwanted child - it screwed everything up! Children learn who they are and what the world and other people are like during the first five years of their lives, and it's SO HARD to change those perceptions later on. I started the therapy process five years ago and I still can't see myself being much better off than when I started. I think this is it for my patience. I'm sick of waiting to feel better and to think better thoughts about the world. I'm DONE.