Hey FuzzyBear,

I have interpreted your question as meaning: what does it look like when relationships of mine swing to devaluation due to splitting / black and white thinking. I hope I interpreted it correctly.

I just had splitting today. I was sitting here reading forums and my mind went to my friends... I recently went through something very traumatic and I shared a bit about it with them as individuals. One of those friends told me that they are all talking amongst one another about it and they claim they are doing it because they are my friends... They even worded it as, "I am lucky they are talking about it amongst one another because it is a sign that they care..."

I understand where they are coming from but I disagree. The particular matters they shared amongst one another are very intimate and personal and I just don't like it... I value respect and privacy and trust in friends, and they broke it... I almost sent a text message to all of them saying I never want to speak to them again. However, I think I would rather leave the possibility for change in the relationships - so I will not send any texts. But I am deeply hurt and feel like I can't accept it. My experience has been that if I speak up and tell them how I feel - I am wrong and insane for speaking my mind. It's unbelievable.

I also am getting to the place of splitting my family black too. I really don't want anything to do with them. They are the most invalidating people I have ever met. Upon attending DBT and learning more about the invalidating environment this became clear to me. I managed to keep them out of my therapy (due to advice from my prior therapists to do so) and it had been a great boundary for a long time. But now I have included them in some of my therapy and it's already becoming an issue... I don't even want to open up to my new therapist because of it. My trust with my family is out the window and it has been for years for good reason... I honestly feel like it could destroy my relationship with my family if they decide to lie or manipulate my therapist even once. They have a history of doing this to me and my friends. It's absolutely disgusting.

To answer your question - I would say I split people black when they prove to me they cannot be trusted. I have a good core group of morals and values - and I just don't see how people can break them so easily and without remorse. I don't feel safe around people in general anymore. My friends and family over the years have proven to me that people are not good. I live in fear. If someone makes me feel afraid, then I split them black. Problem is: sometimes I am afraid of something that my past experience indicates is real - but sometimes is completely false. How does one differentiate the two when they have been so badly wounded?

I hope I have answered your question.

The tipping point is when I am triggered enough to validate my fears and anxieties.

Thanks,
HD