Hi fendergeek. Welcome to Psych Central. Sorry you are having a situation where your partner wants to control. You have stated how difficult that is.

If your partner wants to experience orgasm and is willing to be passive then you may work out a solution. Part of what is inherently unsatisfying for some people is sex without intimacy. Here is an article that may be of interest.
https://www.google.com/url?q=http://...snXioC-2Gwg3Bg

https://www.google.com/url?q=http://...CnJbTEQxVTMHTg

Assuming your partner will accept the passive role, one option is to extend lovemaking into phases. Touching and caressing of the woman and man, erotic touching and kissing of the woman by the man until the woman has 1 or more orgasms, then joining.

In a passive role the woman does not try to excite the man but allows him to lead. Some practical tips for extending sex: Man mount on top and both roll onto their sides - less pressure on man. Man only enters 1-2 inches where woman is most sensitive - man is not over stimulated for early ending. Breath and follow the breath. After man is excited stop and just feel connection of breath - even if gets softer, then start again. The woman will hopefully be patient. This is a lengthier session but man can last by relaxing and also thinking more of the feminine energy and less of the male energy. Some times like in winter, the man may not climax at the end of the session. Then next day he is full of energy and desire. Discourage the woman from trying to make you climax. This is something that diminishes the desire. Over time the self control can be learned to have this be natural experience.

Of course if your partner will have none of this at least consider the steps of her having orgasms before joining so she will not be totally unsatisfied.

Sadly, all couples have problems to work out. What happens in sex can be a part of what the relationship is like, either for good or bad results. It is not your problem, it is a relationship problem. If she is not flexible, then it is her problem. There is a way if she is willing to experience the feminine energies and allow it to happen rather than try to make it happen.