Dear T,

My feelings are all confused.
I have told you I have caring feelings toward you like I have caring feelings, love, for PrevT.
Maternal-ish feelings.

I feel you care. I feel connected. I feel comforted. I feel protected. I feel guided.
But I think most of these feelings originate with me. They come from me, right?

I remember I felt love for PdocAbuser, too. I cared about him. I felt so happy to be able to feel love for him. I felt connected, comforted, protected, guided. But he turned my feelings into something else. He sexualized our relationship.

I still feel wary about caring for you and PrevT. I wonder since I felt similar feelings for PdocAbuser...was this love? Were my feelings real? These feelings came from me. They didn't come from PdocAbuser, PrevT or you.

Are my feelings love, at all? Are they something else- with a fancy psychological name? Am I being tricked? Are my feelings valid? Are my feelings wrong? Am I confused? Am I being foolish?

It just took a puff of smoke to reveal that I did not really feel love for PdocAbuser..when I was betrayed.
I just have these doubts..these cautions.

Love should not be easily dissuaded.
Are my feelings for you and PrevT as thin as a veil?
What would it take to tear my caring feelings away from you?

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We are not done talking about you, PrevT, PdocAbuser and love/caring - whatever it is.
But I won't talk about it easily.

My doubts, fears, cautions remain.

And when I think about my relationship with you with a cautious heart, I am so sad.
It makes me feel unanchored.

My doubt, fears, cautions remain because I did feel caring for PdocAbuser and that was so stupid and careless of me. How can I feel those same feelings for anyone else and it be a good thing?
I don't want to be stupid or careless ever again. It has been more painful than any divorce. The pain is still with me. I am still confused.

And my fears remain because I am afraid of some psychological trick....like maybe you are supposed to give me unconditional positive regard...because it's what psychologists do...not because you really want to.
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I want to know that you do care about me ...(not sexual)...at the same time-I am afraid you might.