Hey everyone,

I have generally been able to deal with my depression and the much less frequent hypo-mania that comes with me being bipolar. Even without medication, I have gotten through the awful lows of depression time and time again. Lately, though, I have been dealing with a new beast that continuously claws at me: I no longer have confidence, my self-esteem is at an all time low, and I cannot wrap my head around the idea of self-compassion.

Of course, it doesn't help that I am an actor, knowing that I am constantly being judged for the way I look, speak, and feel (or my inability to feel in some cases, on really bad days). This never used to bother me. In the past, I could just shrug everything off. Now, I have glimpses or moments of confidence, but they are quickly run out of my mind by self-bullying or self-pity.

Over the last year, I have been fortunate enough to have been invited to study with a highly regarded acting coach. I am now surrounded by hard-working and talented actors, who are also compassionate and understanding of each other, and of me. I've been acting and training for over a decade now, and this is the first time that I've been in such a beneficial and caring environment, without having to worry about judgement, which is rare for an actor. I am complimented on my work and progress, and commended for my hard work on a regular basis. I have also had more success getting work as an actor in this time frame.

Yet, all the while that I have been experiencing this new environment and success, my confidence has been dropping. It's difficult for me to understand. In college, I was passed over for most of the productions, and had to watch other people do what I wanted so desperately to do. But, even when I was being looked over, I still remained confident. I knew what I was capable of, and of my potential. Back then, everyone who didn't believe in me was fuel for my fire. Now, I finally have the support that I've always wanted, but I feel that I'm crumbling, and like I don't know how to receive it. Like my fire is going out.

I know that I should be a confident person. I know that I should be kind to myself, and accept the support and compassion that the people in my life offer. I know that the compliments I get for my work as an actor are genuine, and that I'm not being lied to, but for some reason, I just can't believe it. Instead of allowing myself to grow with, and because of the good things in my life, I implode with every little negative moment. If a day consisted of one hundred moments, and ninety-nine of them were good, and only one bad, I would focus on that singular bad moment and allow it to infect all of the others. This "woe is me" mentality has changed a thriving environment of confidence into a toxic waste dump, and each negative little thing that happens is like another barrel of nasty chemicals being poured into my mind. All of this extends into my day to day life, outside of acting, as well.

My days and nights are filled with doubt and anxiety. My motivation drops day by day and I am questioning every aspect of my life. I've begun to obsess over little things that never used to bother me, and that I generally have no control over.

I've been trying to indulge in things that inspire me, creatively, and I've been reading about self-compassion. I try to be kind to myself, but I just can't believe any nice thought or thing that I say, and I am left with frustration. I also feel guilt and shame, because I know that the things in my life are good. I'm grateful, but I feel like I come off as ungrateful. Even writing this makes me feel like a jerk, or that I'm complaining for attention. The truth is, I just wanted to get this out. To write how I have been feeling with the hope that it may give me some slack in this high-strung life I've been living, and that maybe someone out there has some advice for me.