I've been battling what I believe is depression (possibly anxiety too because I'm so shy I can't talk to people at all. This causes disappointed feelings in myself for not being able to speak up for myself, and I let myself down by making people who I'd really like to know look at me like I'm a freak of nature) Anyway, this is about my depression. It's caused me to feel all these emotions at once, sometimes making me cut, or more so now that I haven't cut for a few months and I fight doing it then I just envision it, or sometimes envision hurting myself in other ways. I'm struggling through all that and I'm really trying to get better. Now when I get upset (usually I can't talk to my sister who I used to talk to about everything, and idk why my friend has completely cut off communications with me. It's not like we ever had a fight or anything. The last thing she said was she wanted to call on Skype... Ok...?) so since my options are limited, it's not easy for me to ever make friends, and I'm so alone. I have multiple diary/journal/private venting logs that I can write out the fight or the attack at just about anything I do or say anymore, but here's the issue I don't want to anymore. I start to journal or try to text to ask if my friend will talk to me and I end up erasing it. Seriously my journals are blank. I'll get so enraged and thoughts are coursing through my head. I'll think I'll write it in a diary or something, that way I'll get it out and I can concentrate on something other than the nasty things said to me and the blame, and I'll avoid these horrible visions of making my arms bleed, but it won't come out. I am so tired of it before I write anything down, and I feel like I've run my upsets into the ground. Nobody who ever used to talk to me will talk to me anymore because I have too many problems, I'm too sensitive and get hurt to much but how can I change that? I don't know how else to feel when I'm called a liar and stupid just because I said the pool had a hole and wanted to patch it? How else am I supposed to feel when I'm told I'm stupid because I didn't upload some app yet to get my hateful niece and her mother to the airport? How else should I feel when cashiers at the store will look past me like I'm not there, throw my money on the counter instead of put it in my hand? I people say "You're the only one who can change how people treat you" ummm, how? Is there like a button that I don't know about? You can't demand respect and you certainly can't make someone not say hurtful things if that's their nature to be hurtful. So anyway, that's my thoughts and dilemma