I am gaining more and more problems and don't know what to do. Everyweek I go through the same pattern of breaking up with my girlfriend, saying really hurtful things and then saying im sorry. Sometimes this happens about 6 times a month.

In the past I have been so delusional I believed I am recieving messages from the dead. I would see messages in bath water. I have believed I am John Lennon reincarnated.

When I was born I was deprived of oxygen and did not breathe properly until 4 minutes. I have never had any tests or medication although I have been to the doctor many times with depression and paranoia.

I had problems when I was younger but in my teens I started taking drugs. The drugs have undoubtedly made my problems worse but people just blame the drugs. Before I started taking drugs I started to get small ticks, noises and shivers frequently, they come and go throughout my life although very rarely noticed by others. I have taken many drugs which effect your mental status. LSD About 12 times, DMT, Magic mushrooms about 10 times, Ecstasy about 60 times, Ketamine about 20 times, crystal meth twice, crack once and a few heroin substitutes.

Last year my Nan died, this year my sister has brain cancer.

I hate other people saying i am crazy or what have you been smoking?
you have a big imagination. You are like dynamite.

I think a lot about life, God, Aliens.

I have been so paranoid I have heard the people living in the room below me playing back recordings of me having sex. I thought there were cameras in the bathroom. I thought I was being spiked with drugs. Occasionally I drift with thoughts that I am an alien or an angel or something like that. Sometimes I think im psychic.

At the moment Im afraid to play computer games because I think they install barriers in my mind that stop my spirit from gaining knowledge....

My familly are aware I am paranoid but i dont want to tell them I think I am schizophrenic. Their reactionwould be im having a break down because of drugs.

I don't know what to do.. I don't want to admit to everyone my problems but i want help, also I dont want to just go onto different drugs.

I have been diagnosed with Drug Psychosis before, how can I be helped if I dont want to be prescribed, diagnosed etc..

THanks for reading,