I can relate. I feel like I'm a monster and I'm terrified with letting women close to me because I'm afraid they won't be able to love me or accept me because of how damaged I am so I have flocked to the unhealthy relationships with psychopaths, narcissists, and abusers while pushing the good women away because of how afraid I am of letting them close to me. I've ruined well over a half dozen potentially good relationships for myself by these behaviors.

You would think that I learn from my mistakes but I don't seem to haha

You're not alone man.