You haven't had the chance to be helped yet! That's all it is. Just do the best you can and try not to hurt yourself while you wait to start therapy. I'm really hoping this therapist will be someone you can trust and that you'll eventually be able to talk about this stuff with him/her. We'll all try to talk to you on here, but obviously a trained therapist can help you a lot more than we can. But don't hate yourself! Self-destructive behavior is very addictive and you'll need outside help getting past it....

Take care,
Sidony