StbGuy ~ You nailed that one. I'm kinda unsure if I have a big ego or rather wallow more in absurdly low self-esteem. Maybe I tend to swing between the 2 extremes? I guess the fact that I've never done what you say, "things in grand fashion," would show that I've let the bad self image rule more in life, but I have had moments of success. For many years my obsessive focus was raising my children and working to be the best mother possible (opposite of the way I was raised.)

But I really like your last sentence:"It stems from a confusing childhood where one feels useless and not needed 90% of the time." Succinct & to the point. You are so right. I honestly believed I was "dumb" and unable to accomplish much as a kid, and proved it by underachieving. Then, as an adult, while my siblings were dumping their children off with me to watch after so they could pursue their college degrees, I was thinking I could never do that because I just needed to focus all my energy on motherhood. My children (& niece & nephews) were my life. Anyway, I could yada blah yada about that forever, but that's in the past, and now I am free to pursue that degree & why not, ya know? Why shouldn't somebody be able to get their Ph.D. in their 60's? I mean, I think there are many states now that offer free tuition at age 62. (Need to check into that.)

When I was 22 (1977), I went to a psychologist for the 1st time in my life. She was awesome. After a year or so, for some reason she wanted to give me an IQ test. When I returned the next week she sat me down & explained to me that she had given the test to many people, but that I was the 1st & only one who had ever gotten all the answers right. She said she wasn't quite sure how to score it, but was putting it at "165". She didn't tell me that it was especially high or anything, only that she'd never had anybody get all the answers correct before. She was trying to convince me to go to college.

I had been oblivious about "IQ" tests/scores/whatever before that time, and certainly never expected to do well on one & didn't know if "165" was all that high, but you can't blame me for perking up and getting interested at that point. I went to the library to read up on it, but we lived in a small town & there wasn't much on it in that library. Then I also remembered that at the end of high school, all the girls I ran with had gone to take SAT tests. So, OK, this is how small our town was: there were 50 kids in the graduating class, ha ha. After the scores came back, my high school counselor had called me in to his office and chided me for barely maintaining a C average for the past 4 years. The reason? He told me I had the highest score on the SAT's of anybody in the history of the high school, so was obviously capable of getting better grades than what I had. So, even though I guess I must've been "bright", I kind of glazed over when he said that (in typical fashion for me), & mostly remember thinking, "yeah, right, & so what, big deal. After all, this is the tiniest & dumbest high school in the west." In other words, I wasn't too impressed with myself, & that one SAT test score was certainly not enough to overcome a lifetime of being told I was stupid.

However, I remembered about that then, after that IQ test. In the library I found a thing about a "club" for people with high IQ's called "Mensa", and they had an address to write to find out about testing. I had that address floating around the house for a number of years, forgetting all about it while busy trying to be a "perfect Mama", but came across it at some point before I turned 30. I eventually did write to ask about their testing, and even ended up taking it. Got a letter back saying "you qualify. To join our awesome, better-than-everybody-else-in-the-world club, send in thus-&-thus amount of dues and you will then be One Of Us." When that thing came I remember feeling so ashamed that I had ever taken their obscene test in the 1st place. It was like that letter, along with a pamphlet they sent with photos of their eggheads noshing at their Mensa meetings, brought it home to me how much I would never fit in with people like that. Not only that, I thought, "I'm much too smart to send those morons my good money for the 'privilege' of being a Mensa egghead! As if."

However... there was one person I just had to show it to before I threw it away ~ my beloved Daddy. Most of all, I wanted him to know, to see, that I wasn't all that stupid after all. He could be proud of me, too, even if I hadn't gotten my college degree. So, I pulled out the test score one day (I realized how high it was by that time) to show him, and told him about Mensa, etc. He looked at it, then kind of gazed up at the ceiling for a few moments. Then, looking back at the paper, he said, "I'd love to see what kind of score your sister would get on that. I can only imagine!" That's all. No big deal or anything. But it said a lot to me. I knew it would never matter, even if I scored 250.

Not much later I found out about another club called Densa. After reading up about it, I came very close to joining that one! There I knew I'd fit in. Because I also knew that no matter how well I might do on some "IQ" test, I was incurably idiotic when it came to fitting into the human race. I simply did not get it. I didn't get the subtleties, I didn't get the jokes, I didn't get it period.

What I did get (I thought) were children. I adored them, I loved being with them, I loved teaching them & having them teach me. And that's what I focused on. Now I think I do "get it" in ways I never did before and in ways I never imagined I could/would be able to do in my life. It's required a lot of pain to get to this point of understanding. I don't want it to be for nothing. That is why I want to study now. That is why I have the grandiose idea of attaining a Ph.D. before I reach the age of 70. I believe (since I'm quite healthy now) that I have a good chance of living several more decades in good health, and that there is still plenty of time to aim for the stars.

That's all. I didn't mean to write this much, & didn't write this to try to get my friends here to think I'm some kind of "genius" or something. I'm not. If anything, maybe I'm an idiot savant in some kind of weird way. For instance, I never could understand algebra, yet I love logic problem books. Things like that make me believe that my brain is somehow mis-wired. Go figure. But still... if I work at it, if I study really hard, if I simply care enough... I could do it, right?