muffin ~ I'm so sorry you're going through depression on top of everything else. I can truly say "I know how you feel!" Depression has been with me, on & off, (although I had no name for it then) since childhood, and has been an almost constant companion since I was attacked and raped at the age of 16. I'm now 60, and I guess this might sound like a cop-out, but honestly, if it becomes too oppressive, I cannot stress how important it's been in my life to have a good psychiatrist who can prescribe the appropriate medications.

Depression is not simply a "mental" problem. It is a very real physical illness as well. If it reaches a certain point where it cannot be managed with all the mind control methods out there, there is nothing wrong with being treated for it medically. It does not mean that you have to stay on antidepressants for the rest of your life, either. Maybe you just need enough time to get back on balance, so you can then use other methods to deal with it.

So, OK, I'm not merely singing the praises of medical science as the cure-all, but I hear the desperation in your voice, and I also hear and know the pain all too well. And what works for one doesn't necessarily work for another. I was blessed 7 years ago to be referred to an incredible psychiatrist who continued to work with me until he found the right combination to fit, and it literally changed my life. I'd been on antidepressants before, but never had anybody worked so hard to find the right one(s). I've had half a decade now to heal from a lifetime of pain, panic, anxiety and depression so deep that I honestly wonder that I lived through it. But I did & I'm grateful to be here now. I want you to have that healing. You need it. You deserve it.

I'm not saying I know the answers for you, or even that definitely you need medications. But I do think you should find out if it might at least help to ease you into a place of equanimity where you can find enough rays of hope to be able to move up and out of that pain.

God bless and keep you in Peace & Warmth, my dear.