I've realized lately that my sense of sexuality has been somewhat unexamined. I'm 40 years old, but I haven't really had a lot of experience with dating and sexual intimacy. Several weeks ago I went looking online for ways to sort of gain some insight into my own sense of sexual identity and preferences (and I posted on here in the Sexuality forum, and other forums).

I never really dated. I always had long-term relationships with women I knew within my social circles, and now I am newly single after 10 years, and out as a queer-femme MTF. I have no game. Over the years, I've been fairly happy with my sexual experiences, but in speaking with both men and women, I've realized that I don't think I've ever been driven by sex. I don't think I've ever been overcome by passion.

And since coming out as trans, I've been welcomed into more private conversation by some of my social girlfriends and I am shocked by some of things they say, and the frankness with which they talk about their experiences, fantasies, preferences, etc. While presenting male most of my life, I am familiar with this coming from men, but I was never comfortable with that either. So here I am thinking that I have been simply uncomfortable and quite disconnected from my own sexuality, as well as what adults do and don't do, or what people talk about. Just as one example: I cannot relate to the statement, "I just need to get laid," or "I need to do him/her".

I guess I'm sort of working through my thoughts as I type this, but I'd be interested in hearing from others. I've been on HRT for 15 months, and basically have the absolute minimal male function. I have no testosterone in me anymore and typical female levels of estro. I'm sure much of my desire has dropped over the year, but even before that I was rather indifferent. Certainly some of this had to do with being at odds with my gender. But now I feel like I'm caught in the middle and feeling rather asexual. And while I welcome being embraced by my female friends, it is a dysphoria trigger to hear of their sexuality and apparent confidence in what they know about themselves.

And yes, I will be talking about this with my therapist!

V.