It seems like I have nobody to talk to. My dad is a junkie and left our family when I was three, he overdosed a year later and fell into a coma - but recovered - and I was forced to visit him every month until recently. I feel like whenever I saw him as a kid he was always pissed off that he had to deal with me. He's immature and cruel, and although I think deep down he cares for me he almost never showed it. He still has a serious drinking problem.

My two grandpa's on either side of my family have both been more of a father to me than he ever was - this summer my grandpa died during finals of my first year of university, and his death was very traumatic. He had dementia and in less than a year he just slowly shrunk from a big booming personality to nothing. His death caused me to not do as well as I should have in my finals - I barely scrapped by. Now I have to go to second year and it's so stressful because I don't think I can do it but my family has no money for school so if I mess this up I might not get back into post-secondary.

My mom is crazy, she married and just divorced my abusive step dad who used to smack me around and was abusive for most of my childhood. I always knew that he hated me and he used to make fun of me and the way I look. Him and my mom used to scream and fight all the time and whenever she left he used to make me work for hours on end doing stupid stuff like picking all the moss out of our lawn with the wrong tools or sifting certain sized rocks out of sand in our backyard and if I messed up he'd smack me and yell at me and usually I'd get sent to my room for the rest of the day.

He was mean and acted like a drill Sargent - after a run-in with the law my mom divorced him. I feel like I missed out on high school because I was super lonely and had almost no friends. I remember thinking that it was worse for me than it was for some of the kids who got bullied - at least they had friends. I had nobody to relate to, nobody looked at me and nobody talked to me. I've still not had a girlfriend. It seems like any time I get close to a girl she finds somebody better, and that's if I get close, which doesn't usually happen to begin with because I find a way to mess it up by being awkward or saying something wrong.

Every time I think about my past or high school or even when I see two teenagers holding hands in love it just makes me so depressed Like I missed something I should have had and I'll never get it back.

I think about suicide all the time - I've been like this before but it's never been this bad for this long. I'm worried about it now because I don't know how much longer I can do this. I don't really even care about myself anymore. Earlier on in the summer I was really depressed and I slept all the time, for at least a month. I got better like always, but for the last while I've been worse than ever before. There's so much pressure now and I don't feel like I can handle it but everybody keeps pushing me and pushing me and telling me I can do it so I feel like I have to try.

I'm angry all the time, I kicked a hole through my door just the other day and I don't know why because I'm not a violent person. I feel like I need to seek out conflict or that I have to go fight somebody. I love writing stories and songs and lately I've been so messed up I can't even find the willpower to do that. It feels like writing is the only thing I have left and now I can't even do that.

I don't expect anybody to read this all or even respond - it just feels better to vent it all out.