sidony! thank you for your support!

...i hurt myself this afternoon in that way....

i don't mean to be a complete idiot - but i really have never had sex....damn it hurts in there....

what's SICK is as much as it hurt & the intense painful pressure - i laid there and almost feel a sense of comfort

sidony - thank you for saying that i just havn't had a chance to be helped and that i need outside help...but i can't help but feel so sick and dirty for doing this

its one thing to touch for pleasure - but to just essentially attack myself there... WHY why would i do that!? how can i do that to myself! it's one thing to cut or burn my arms, etc. but hurt myself there? i can't even write here some of the thoughts i've had - ways of hurting....

i wish i could just disappear - not die - just disappear...i don't want to be seen...i don't want anyone to know i exist...i want to hide...

if anyone reads this and has heard of this type of behavor please let me know - i feel like a freak - and i can't find any mention of it with regards to self injurying - i'm NOT doing this for any kind of pleasure!!! i'm doing it to hurt myself....i