Quote:
Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend
Greetings. I may have given some of you the impression that I'm a heartless individual with many of my posts. I want to get better and I'm starting to like this community so I'm going to take a leap of faith here and throw myself at your mercy.
Truth be told, the dark exterior is nothing more than a defensive mechanism to prevent myself from being hurt. See? I'm so soft that I have to protect myself from random people on the internet. Pathetic huh?
Want to hear something even more pathetic? Up until a couple of months ago, I would cry myself to sleep on average of 1/3rd of the month. I often find the loneliness and lack of love in my life too much to bear, yet, I'm too damn afraid and weak to do something about it. Sometimes I've been so hurt and down that I've cried damn near half the day. I'm a coward who uses the darkness as a shield because I'm afraid of the light. I'm terrified with openness and showing any type of weakness to anybody else because of how many people who have hurt me so I take the easy way out and hide from people or show them only what they want to see so I can be shown some kind of compassion without having to work for it. If that doesn't make me a weak and pathetic excuse of a man than IDK what does 
Now? I'm completely numb. I bury my feelings and emotions. All I literally do is try to make money off my business ventures and play video games with short breaks to go to the gym or the occasional Yoga class. I want to be rich and perfect because I feel like that will be the only way any woman would ever want anything to do with me. If I don't have a lot of money and perfect looks and I'm not good in bed, what else is there? A bottomless emotional pit of nothingness. At least having these things would compensate for how empty I am and would allow me to have love with a fraction of the work involved.
Don't get me wrong, I can love and I have a few people in my life who I love and cherish and I can even be a deep person to the rare individual who can earn my trust, but I find it difficult to bond emotionally with people especially women not because I'm a sexist or anything because I'm not but because of how many of them have hurt me in a major way. I also find it much easier to be friends with people than form relationships because there is a bigger emotional investment involved in a successful relationship and are much more painful when they fail than a friendship.
Most days, I'm content to live in my fantasy worlds or do my own thing in complete solitude but sometimes, the loneliness gets overwhelming. What's sad is that I find my goals involving making money and my fantasies about the awesome houses, fancy cars, advanced gadgets (I'm a geek at heart) and places I could travel exciting, but the moment I shift those fantasies towards women or love, I feel dread and sadness. Furthermore, almost anytime that I see romance on a movie or TV show or a happy looking couple in person, I feel sadness and sometimes even anger or envy.
In short, I want people to think that I'm bad *** or even an evil psychopath who could kill somebody without feeling anything so that they don't see me as a weakling and try to prey on me or hurt me. Under the tough exterior though, I'm nothing more than an outcast. A mere shadow in darkness that lurks at the edge of society.
I'm starting therapy soon to try to work through my problems, but in the meantime, I think talking about my my problems rather than continuing to hide might help me open up and starting here while I still have the protection of anonymity would likely be my best bet.
I feel like I'm taking a risk here so depending on how you guys respond, I'll either attempt to further open myself up in the future or I'll close myself off completely from most people.
Thanks for reading  |
Ever since I was a very small child, for some reason I still don't understand, it has been almost impossible to make friends or have people like me in general. In elementary and middle school I was bullied relentlessly by both sexes.
By the time high school rolled around, I had lost weight, grown tall, got nice boobs, got attractive, and most importantly, I had learned, after years of observation of others, exactly how I had to behave and interact with people so that I wouldn't be bullied and an be an outcast. I actually became popular, with tons of friends, boyfriends, and activities to do. But I was completely miserable because this persona was nothing remotely like the real me, I wore a faux personality that was very uncomfortable, and I was extremely bitter to all my "friends" because I knew they did not like the authentic me.
By college, I said "f*** it". It was too hard to keep up and too painfull. After that, I never made a friend in college, despite being thin and society's idea of beautiful. It just didn't happen. The shining light of my life was a man that existed who found me and liked me. I wasn't even looking because that was an impossibility to me. We married at 20 and have been married now for 15 years.
It wasn't until I entered the work force that a very sweet and outgoing coworker reached out to me and we became great friends for a long time. She was my only friend.
However, when mental illness took me out behind the knees after the birth of my children, I succumbed to anorexia and bulimia, and was ultimately was diagnosed with BP1, things began to change. I wore her out with problem after problem.
Despite years of friendship, she began withdrawing, not answering her phone. I had to pry the truth out of her...that in order for her to maintain her happiness, she needed to separate from me. Serious crushing ouch.
The only other friend I have made was a woman my age that I met in the hospital for my anorexia...personality wise, we were identical and we even shared the same MI diagnosis. We have been long distance, but she was my best friend since I was 30. She commited suicide in May.
My coworkers don't like me (on my eval I was told to work on integrating socially into the team). I have no friends at all, and no hope that I will gain them. It's crushing. I can't figure out what is wrong with me or what I am doing wrong so I can correct it.
It's a big, painful hole in my life that I am desperately and unsuccessfully trying to fill. I seem to have it all, good looks, nice body, empathy, a listening ear, and a good paying job. But it doesn't matter like I thought it would.
So I want to give you a virtual hug, because I know it hurts and makes you question your very identity. Though different stories, I know the pain of rejection and what it feels like to give up. :
:
Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N910A using Tapatalk