Hi there, not really sure where to start on this. I have a few things in my mind which stop me from becoming someone I want to be.

I had a few girlfriend before this one girl and always was hurt at the end of it.

Back in 2010 I met a girl, I was 22 at the time and we fell for each other. She had a boyfriend at the time and a child with him, cut a long story short I ended up in a relationship with her for around 2 years. I wasn't a very mature person back then, even though I probably thought I was, I still lived at home and was quite wrapped up in cotton wool in my own world. The relationship turned quite hostile towards the final 6 months of it. She had her own mental problems with depression and accusing me of cheating (Which I would never do, but I wouldn't put it past her with her history), so I was walking on eggshells a lot of the time. Anyway, I bailed on her and her child because I couldn't cope, I felt it was unfair for everyone involved. She was my first true love.

Moving on, I was in a band at the time, and I felt sorry for her because she was quite lonely and I invited her to our gigs and tried to remain friends with her. She ended up starting seeing the drummer (Who was also a friend of mine), which absolutely crushed me. To be fair, they were honest to me about it when I had suspected it. I had accepted in my own mind that there was nothing I could do about it, they clearly like each other and I always wanted her to be happy. Hell, I even wished it on a birthday cake she got me a few weeks after we split. So I went into quite bad depression for a while about it, crying, not sleeping, mopey. I kept it only to myself, 2 friends and a boss at work who listened. Her being with him seemed to make me want her more as I was completely out of control of the situation.

Eventually I got over the depression some 2/3 months later I got over it. I have been single since and have been 'somewhat' happy. I feel like I'm a bit of a selfish person so I have been able to do what I want. But I feel like I push girls away now, or never give the impression that I like them.

I read a book in 2013 about being a logical thinker and not rushing on emotion, it certainly helped me a **** lot more in progressive thinking, but I think it's turned me into a bore somewhat and I never sometimes say what I feel, or do what I feel because it could be deemed 'logically wrong' and I feel I missed out.

I was seeing a girl late last year/early this year but I called it off because I didn't want anything more than casually seeing each other and I know she wanted more, so I had to be honest with her. She would've been a great girlfriend too. Funny, cute, a bit naive at times but she was good. Though I pushed her away because I thought I could do better? Stupid thing is, is that I could totally be myself around her and not feel like a dumbass.

I've done some cool things in my life since then, I moved to a bigger city in 2012 on my own (although I got pretty lonely), I did a working season in the Pyrenees for 3 months after getting bored of my life just working for a living (Greatest time ever), Austria 1 month and I am currently in Brittany for a month before going back to the Pyrenees again for a few months.

My current problem is this, there was a German girl here for a few weeks and we really hit it off. She left not long ago. She is a genuinely nice girl and I was very attracted to her. I get the feeling that she liked me too but I was never too sure but we'd laugh and have 'looks' at each other and spend a decent amount of time together. But I was afraid of persuing her incase I was wrong? We've messaged a few times since and it kills me if she doesn't message back. But there are times when I won't message her back straight away. Am I trying to play it cool, or something? I think in reality I'm not giving the impression that I DO like her. Why is this? Maybe she doesn't like me? Maybe she's thinking the same as me? Hell, I'm not even sure if I want a relationship with her, though I have thought about it and think she'd be an awesome partner. I have been scarred in the past by relationships and don't want to feel rejection again.

This is currently wracking my brain out like crazy like I haven't felt before. I want to get to the root of this mental block and I'm not sure if my previous relationship woes are what's the foundation of it.

Sorry for the long *** post!