>i am defective

i wasn't trying to be funny, it's not a joke. One of my biggest suicidal ideation triggers is feeling defective and useless... that i have no real future. It isn't funny at all.

i am now on hormone treatment but no way to know what to expect or when. Work was a little better today as the assist manager i have trouble with was not in, but tomorrow i work alone with her for 4 hrs.

i put in resumes at a few places yesterday...decent jobs.

the bipolar stuff is hard but i really think it's more of the other stuff i can do something aboutwhich keeps me from getting anywhere in life. maybe you all are right... maybe i am really as doomed as i thought. The chances of getting it together in any kind of real way is pretty slim.

i am invited to a b-day party down the street. It's a girfriend of a guy i know. i know him professionally and he's real nice, she seems sweet too. i know it'd be a pretty casual deal, not quite a beer bash, but not a wine and cheese either. It'd be fun probably...for normal people. but i am dreadfully socially phobic in things like this. i really, truly don't know how to act. i am not good at making new friends.

i want to be friends with these people, they are real nice. But I am so defective.

i am just a failure at life i guess. i can't ever not be bipolar so i guess i can't ever be whole either.

yeah defective. just a waste of a life really. Sad, so many people out there with real zest for life but are dying and stuff... here i sit, just waiting out the long difference between birth and death