Hello, mtd. ^^

I am so sorry to hear of your struggles with love. I am also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, so I can definitely identify with the feelings of being "damaged".

Up until I was 19 years old, I honestly believed I was DEFORMED (that my nether-regions were deformed). I never looked at myself, and was, quite frankly, terrified of doing so. It wasn't until I finally let someone else look, that I realized I wasn't deformed. It was a very big step for me.

Emotionally, I consistently feel "damaged" from the experience, as childhood traumas cannot be absorbed when you are a child - your mind cannot comprehend the impact; its logic systems are simply not developed enough.

As you grow into an adult, the experience, which has left an impact on your mind, begins to take meaning and understanding, and unless you have been directly, and repetatively, told that you are NOT damaged by the experience, your logical mind assumes you were, as the experience was "out of the normal range of human experience".

It is a common theme in childhood traumas that one feels physically and/or emotionally "damaged" from the event, and therefore feels "unworthy" of love, or meaningful relationships with others. However, the truth is, they are generally NOT damaged, beyond what damage the mind imposes based on societal, moral, parental, and peer influences.

In my family, experiences such as those that I experienced (my sexual abuse) were not openly discussed, more, they were "swept under the carpet", never to be spoken of again. Therefore, I felt "damaged" by the experience - after all, it was too horrible to even be spoken of! To a child, that can do more REAL damage than anything else.

Not to blame my parents though. They did the best they could to deal with the situation, and I love them immensely - they simply were not educated enough in HOW to deal with such a devestating event. I imagine they felt much like "failures", because they did not prevent it, and protect me from it.

I have never blamed them for my abuse, however, as, in a way, I believe that if you are to have an experience, good or bad, you will have it - no matter how much you are, or are not, protected from it.

Moving on.

Over the years I have had many difficulties feeling "close", or getting "intimate" with people. A lot of it is internalized, like dissassociating myself from sexual activity while engaged in it. It was a defense mechanism I used as a child, but is now "out of place", as there is no need to disassociate with an experience that is both genuinely loving, and pleasant. Nevertheless, I must actively avoid disassociating during sexual activity - which can make lovemaking a "task" rather than a "pleasure" at times.

In your case, I imagine you have some of the same problems?

I have been officially diagnosed with PTSD with depression, anxiety, and simple phobias - I am wondering if your diagnoses is similar?

And, if you answer "yes" to one or both of those questions, some ways I have learned to believe in myself, and feel "whole" is to tell myself that no matter what anyone else has to say about me, I am a unique individual with experiences, both good and bad, that make up the sum total of who I am.

I am NOT simply a victim/survivor of sexual abuse, but more, I am a sum of things; I am a mother, I am a wife, I am a friend, I am a student, I am a writer, I am an artist, etc. I am the sum total of ALL my experiences, and all of my experiences are uniquely my own.

Just as yours are. Despite my nightmares, my panic attacks, my "feeling flashbacks", my insomnia, my eating disorder, etc. - I am other things, positive things that are of value and worth.

Just as you are. You are certainly not damaged, but sometimes, people without the ability to empathize with the part of yourself that has been abused cannot understand that the part of you hurting does not make up the whole of WHO you are. They can not see past that part to take note of the other parts you choose to share with them.

Thankfully, however, there are people who can both understand and empathize with the part of you that is hurting. Those that will and do, will help you to overcome your insecurities, and your emotional hurdles to help you "feel" whole, not just "be" whole. ^^

I'm sorry if this post sounds preachy, I just feel very strongly that we are all "whole" individuals, despite how we "feel" right now, because we all have unique and individual aspects of our personalities and experiences that make us who we are.

I hope, in some small way, this post helps you. I will be thinking of you.

(((((mtd)))))

Please take care.