You have so much thinking! I'm sorry that you are feeling so paranoid.

You won't have to admit your problems to "everyone." You just shared them here, and that is a big step!

Do you have a regular medical doctor? Or any doctor of any kind that you trust? You could ask them for the name of someone to talk with, a psychiatrist? That way you might be able to trust the doctor more? But if not, you really need to find a professional to help you sort through all this stuff. Everyone deserves someone to trust and talk with, you know?

I'm sorry you experienced so many drugs. Please realize that you might need to take a medication under a doctor's supervision, to help ease these irrational thoughts. You don't have to worry about the reason you are having troubles, yes, it might be the drugs you played with, but maybe not... what does it matter if you can find help to help you feel better now?

We all have things we don't want to do, or don't want to hear. We all have to find the strength inside us to realize that we are each worth feeling good. You are worth that effort too... please find someone to listen to you, ok?