Thread: Meds
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Old Aug 23, 2015, 08:49 PM
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cashart10 cashart10 is offline
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Member Since: Oct 2013
Location: KY
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As most of you know, I've never been "good with meds" unless I'm very depressed. However, I have never stopped them entirely since they were prescribed to me again about 3 years ago. Well, now is different. I have been feeling well for several weeks. This is when I always start to become careless with my meds. It's like I feel good so meds aren't at the forefront of my brain and I forget to take them. Well, it's gotten really bad, and, yes, for reasons I can't even find, I'm sure it's probably deliberate at this point. I usually claim "I'm not really Bipolar" when I decide to stop taking my meds but I never actually stop because my support group so heavily itercedes. But now, I don't deny my illness. In fact, I recognize how terribly severe it is and I know how detrimental it could be to stop taking meds. I feel excited by this though. I am not manic, my husband says I am becoming so. He keeps asking if I am taking my meds. I admitted to him that I have been spotty lately and I was honest with my doctor and we talked a lot about it. Now though, if I had to guess, I would say it has been close to a week (if not more) since I have taken EVEN 1 PILL!!! I have not made a deliberate decision to not take them so what do I do? Do I make that decision now and just continue this path? I know my husband will be furious if I tell him I stopped taking meds altogether; he has told me numerous times he would never support it. But, tonight, I am actually afraid to take them. Lamictal, for instance, is supposed to be my "staple" med but it has to be tapered on and off. I am embarrassed to call my doctor because we just discussed this on Thurs and I didn't have this level of concern and I go back to him on the 31st. My sleep has been off kilter which is never a good sign but I am still very much in control and I feel well. I am scared, nervous, and excited about missing so many meds all at once. It's like a ridiculously dangerous double dog dare. Are you really sick Sarah? Are you really? Will you really lose your mind Sarah? Will you really? I get plenty sick on meds. When I was unmedicated the last time, I just became so unwell that I was psychotic and insane for half a year. But, it was very, very, very euphoric for quite some time before it ever became scary. At the same time, I'm still not certain how I survived the depression that followed. I am going to call my pdoc in the morning. I am going to tell him how long it's been and probably start over.
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*****

Every finger in the room is pointing at me
I want to spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now

Tori Amos ~ Crucify

Dx: Schizoaffective Disorder
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