dunno why... but i only seem to be able to post to this board. had a weird therapy session this week. sometimes... hard to explain... i guess it is partly about my feeling so tired... but he looks a certain way... and i feel averse / repulsed by it. hard to explain. guess it is about me rather than about him.

he wanted to talk to me about my goals. i rambelled on for a long time. said 'i dunno what to say so i guess i'm just talking - sorry'. he said it was okay. that if i knew what to say i probably wouldn't need to go. that sounds familiar... i hope he isn't reading here. i sent him an email of a couple poems while he was away. he hasn't said anything. don't know if he got them or not. oh well. i don't care.

want to work more. less time ruminating. the screaming / hurting cycle. that kind of stuff. took one session to get that out. the next time... i didn't really want to talk about the screaming / hurting 'cause i needed to be functional that day. talked about how i need to get better at handling myself at work. he said to take the inderal. looked annoyed with me. said something. a bit sharp. something about how he CAN help with that and that is easy fixed if only i take the medication. got me by surprise a bit...

maybe he is feeling frustrated with me. like i'm wasting his time. keeps talking about 'time limited'. maybe he can't wait for me to leave. i don't know. only time he picks up is with the little kid feelings. i don't feel okay about that though... i know this is coming from me but... i don't want to feed his sense of power / control... maybe that is why he likes that aspect. does that make sense? feel a bit scared. too tired in the morning (only 3 hours sleep before therapy) and his face starts dripping black. i get scared sometimes. don't know what to say. sorry.