I understand where you are coming from Aloan regards blame and the past. But you can't escape the fact that the past moulded and shaped you and created many destructive coping mechanism to help us survive. The decisions you make now are very much based on your experience growing up, your DNA and any illness you have (i.e. nature AND bad nurture + illness = different behaviour than the norm).

You also said you were going to pay the money back, so please reassure yourself first that you are not a crook or criminal first, then you can deal with others and their attitudes.

Unfortunately many friends and acquaintances get lost over the years, as they won't take time to acknowledge the issues we have and UNDERSTAND those issues and our subsequent behaviours. The ones that invest some time in you and try to see the world through your eyes - they are the real friends. Anyone who judges your actions through their own eyes will never understand or help e.g. my whole family!

So, make peace with yourself first as you know you are innocent, confide in a friend that will look at the world through your eyes and try and accept that you did not have the choice of illness, your DNA, or how you were brought up, while accepting that you are you and you are unique, beautiful and amazing - anyone who does not want to help or understand you are losing out, not you!

There are many of us who are genuinely unique and not just another sheep in the rat race - that's why the sheep find it hard to accept us!

You take care and let me know how things go! Tx