I know what you're saying, but I also know that if I bite the bullet, I can take better care of myself... like buying a car. It's anxiety that keeps me from getting one, though, because it would be such a hassle. I have a ticket I need to pay before I can renew my drivers license, then there's insurance to pay and THEN the cost of a car and the installation of the lift for my scooter. It's not only a hassle, it's going to COST!! That would leave me completely broke without a penny left to finish much needed refurbishing this tin can I live in.

Don't know how it is anywhere else, but here in CA, I could get someone to come in and help me with some of the housework and even go grocery shopping for me, but I'm just not ready for that. Maybe it's stubborness, maybe it's pride, I don't know. It's worth a try, though, to keep myself afloat until I just can't do what I'm able to do now.

Weird, though. Maybe it's because I don't really want to be alone but I keep thinking "What the hell is he here for, then??" He knows I depend on him for some things. Not sure, but I think he knows that if he's not around, I could find someone else to do what he does. If I hire someone to do those things, then what's to keep him here? He'd damn well better not expect to have this person do things for HIM! He's completely capable of taking care of himself!

Did any of that make any sense? I'm not sure it makes sense to me. It's kinda like I'm saying "He's here to take care of me. If he won't, then he can move along!" That sounds a bit twisted to me... I don't know!! Since he's been back, he's bought an RV and a sports car. Without me he would have bought pieces of junk. Talking like a Dutch Uncle, I convinced him to get what he got that is in pretty good condition. I do his laundry, I cook his meals and do what housework I can. What does HE do?? I have to turn into a shrew to get him to do what I can't and then he doesn't remember from one time to the next the things I CAN'T do! ... or so it seems. Is he doing it on purpose?? Is he THAT forgetful??

AH, HELL!!! (C'mon, Celexa! Dr increased mine last Tuesday.)