I thought I would get over with my mothers death, but it doesn't seem like it. It seems that as time goes by, I get progressively worst with my grieve.

My grieve turned me into a monster, an angry and bitter person. I'm angry and bitter over my mother. I know deep inside she was a very sick person who refuse to seek help with her issue, which lead her her death.

I sometimes miss her and I sometimes hate her for what she did to my father and to my self.

I often tell my father, after he tells me similar quotes; "She'll be upset if she thinks shes the cause of your anguish and downfalls", that I hope she is suffering wherever shes at for all of the grief and devastation she caused me. This is the monster side of me.

I've never been to a psychiatric hospital before her death, I know have total of 6 hospitalization stays, 3 voluntary and 3 involuntary. I'm well aware of the hipaa law, but i know that if I were to get a license to carry a gun that my psych hospitalizations would be a drawback, as I'm classified as mentally ill. If I wanted to join the military that I would be turned down because of my mental health status and records.

Ugh! I feel that my mother has ruined my life, but I still love her and respect her as my mother. I both hate and love her :/

I know I'm still in the bereavement process. I have all of the symptoms