Nicole, i am sorry you are struggling right now, but kudos for hanging in there.

I know how controlling things helps me cope. That is why I use this breathing exercise to keep from focusing on those wild thoughts. Here it is.

Breathe naturally while silently counting 1 on the inhale, 2 on the exhale, 3 on the inhale...continuing up to 10. Then start at 1 again. The mind can only focus well on one thing at a time, so this helps me relax and refocus.

Here is an article describing some of the myths of self harm and some coping methods that may be of interest.
Self-Harm: The Myths & the Facts | Embracing Balance