speaking of working, my first job was customer service...something i told them to never put me in. i don't know if it was a combo of the anxiety from it or other things, but i had no idea how i got through it. i never made a mistake despite having zero idea of what i was doing as they threw me into the job on my own after just a few days. i had to balance doing multiple different things at once. i guess i was on auto pilot. it was only for one month thankfully. i didn't really have a job after that and had a failed attempt at a college course.

i now am self employed and on disability. it has worked amazing for me and has allowed me to manage anxiety and stay relatively more stabilize as well as allowed me to have my own schedule as needed. i do not keep track of time well, but my body wakes me up around the same time each morning (i would hate to have to wake up to an alarm since it would probably scare me).

but time has always been strange to me and not really existed...except it obviously does. i have always had a difficult time with the thought of getting older, things changing around me, all the things that go with life. parts of me become absolutely terrified about certain things that happen in life. i have tried to work on it, but since i don't know where it comes from at times and it hits me out of nowhere, it's difficult to find a way to.