Hi Helga,
My mom died 4 years ago too and I still grieve her. I miss her very much.

All was not wine and roses with her either. She was an alcoholic, stayed with an abusive alcoholic (my dad) and couldn't protect us kids.

She actually died of lung cancer that metastasized to her brain. One weekend we went to a movie and the next weekend she was dead.

I'm sorry your relationship with your mom was so complicated. I think most of "mom" relationships are complicated!

Do you have a T you can talk to or a grief counselor? It sounds like you do need help getting through this. You can get through it on an outpatient basis with the right T! I don't know if you take meds or not....my only thought is that an antidepressant might be helpful but that's between you and your doc.

One of the reasons I had such a hard time when my mom died was that I was so enmeshed with her. I loved her so much, and was so disappointed with her at the same time. It made it all very confusing. We were just starting to get on the same page when she died. I wish we had had more time.

I had my one and only (so far..knock on wood) major depressive episode and winded up in the hospital too. They put me on an antidepressant and helped me move on.

I actually cried when I saw your post. I feel your pain. I still want my mama and I'm 48 years old!

Feel free to PM me anytime. Please let us know how you're doing.
Take care,
Okie