i saw home videos of myself over the years from age five to 12 or so. it was very strange. i realized that i was in survival mode all those years because i had to be....and since my abuse and/or trauma was not daily, there were normal times i had in between, and somehow i just got through it.

it struck me as odd too how i could be so normal, different than i remember, etc. i always remembered myself as shy, quiet, and not liking to be touched, hugged, etc. but then i saw a video of myself at five or so where i was sitting beside my mom's husband and was comfortable doing so. i was also seemingly okay despite having lived in a violent (towards family members, not me) home and appearing okay on the videos up until a certain age where i did not like pictures taken or being on video which was a theme my entire life, even now.

but i realized like i said above that it was all about survival mode...and i also started to dissociate around the age of five when my abuse/trauma started. i had a lot of different situations/people involved at various times, so for me it wasn't just one person. i guess it became kind of normal that almost everywhere i turned, someone hurt me somehow, sadly.

it was very triggering to see home videos of myself, one particular house i lived in.....remembering the inside of the house and the layout of it yet not remembering much that happened in the house the few years i lived there.

i guess as kids, we also kind of adapt to whatever is going on around us...and can temporarily forget/push things away when it's not happening or when others are around us yet an abuser might be there too as it might be a bit safer when others are there too.