Hi all.

Thanks for all the kind replies and sorry for not having replied myself, I obviously forgot I wrote this post and my purpose of being active here again

Since I'm not seeing a therapist or a doctor (long story short, i just can't) I don't really care about whether or not I have a valid DID diagnosis. I just want the alters to really have gone away, I don't want to get back to my happy multiple life even if I was happy - it's not like I was happy but I had all this ACTIVITY inside me, and it sort of made me feel better.

My drug use is worsening. I'm starting to drink way too often, usually because I feel the urge to get high on whatever and the most available drug is alcohol - I believe that's because of the loss of impulse control caused by BPD and not an alter getting in control. I now feel hopeless and sort of numb, I just can't seem to react to what's happening around me. I should work in a college project, and I'll start school in less than a month. I should be doing tons of stuff I actually ENJOY doing, but I feel apathic and with no energy to do anything.

It's this apathy, this numbness but yet the will to do something with my life that drives me mad and makes me do drugs. I never thought I'd be like this - I buy alcohol almost as often as I buy cigarettes (and I smoke around a pack a day). I smoke weed which I've been done for a while and it used to help, now I resort to it as a "get high and forget about stuff" drug rather than fun. I steal other people's weed because I can't afford my habits. I abuse benzodiazepines and other prescriptions. I get higher and higher but I just feel numb, and I crave to feel something!

I've become a junkie, a dirty junkie. My relationship with my mother is worsening. I want to hug her and tell her I love her, but I'm unable to feel any love towards anyone! Sometimes I love someone so much, then hate them, then nothing. I'm not having suicidal thoughts but I want this to stop. The only way this could be worse was if I knowingly had alters - I really Do NOT want them and if, like you suggest, DID hasn't "disappeared", I want them to go away because I just can't afford it??

I don't think I'm making any sense. I'm actually high right now, so sorry if I sound stupid, but I've made my way into being more functional while high than sober (my tolerance to weed, alcohol and benzos is high enough that I don't really get high anymore, just feel a little better).

I'm dirt.