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Justice said:
<font color="#000088"> The rest were upset naturally,but got over it very quickly,and were more interested in his life insurance,than missing him! And that really upsets me about my family,their greed just tears me up inside,because I know that it's hurting my Dad. </font>

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I think comp. working again now.
Yes, I wanted to say something because what you had said I think was sensitive and important and I didnt want you to feel unresponded to.

Some things you said resonated with me.

Do you have the feeling that your dad was like a lone voice of decency, that was unheard in the deluge of a sort of selfishness on the rampage?
Well, that would describe how I see the dynamics in my family. I'm in my 50s now, so I was a teenager in the 60s. Me and my sisters did the maddest sort of 'rebellion', which was no rebellion at all but following a cult, we had had an expensive education, but threw it all up and even incliding any ability to think for ourselves during that time.
I believe we were mostly in reaction to my mother, but he was the one who got hurt.

I was 21 when he died, still so immature and not in tune with reality.
'Inconsolable' is how I would describe my feelings of loss when I 'woke up' and began to realise what had happened, what I had lost.

Now I am sort of attempting to negotiating a kind of peace with my family, my sisters, I do care about them, but I see things very differently to them, and I do also have that same feeling, that what they do hurts my dad.
These days I feel I want to keep away from them, but then I also feel some obligation to stay in contact. I feel I need to get in and get out quickly without having betrayed my values as far as possible.

Looking at how I have lived up to now, I can see the extent to which the famly dynamics have affected the course of my life and caused me an accumulation of failures in love and in work. I think maybe I am breaking through some things now with having finally understood so much more.
Yes, inconsolable is what I have been. Now, it feels like I have to do what I can to collect what motivation and energy I can gather to now move forward for the rest of my life.
It helps so much though, to talk to others who have some kinds of similar situations. Thanks for listening, and how is your life these days? I remember what you said about your expereinces over christmas!

warm wishes,

River.x