My Support Forums - View Single Post - Finding You've Had Asperger's In "Old Age"

daynrand · Aug 27, 2015, 05:02 PM

Thank you, StbGuy! For all you wrote. Short, but you got it. Ya know, the thing is about my littlest sister, I was always really proud of her myself. I loved to tell my Daddy about the latest, greatest thing she'd done/said that day when he got home from work, because I knew he adored her and loved to hear about it.

I was almost 4 when she was born, and can still remember, even before her birth, anticipating her arrival. I had a 2-year-old sister already and could barely stand to touch her, but woo-hoo, did I ever look forward to that new baby! I even threw a tantrum when my parents told me the name they'd picked if it was a girl & they ended up changing it because of my sheer grief over the 1st choice. Then, would you believe this, the baby was born on my older brother's birthday! He was 4 years older than I, was the family hero then (& ever after) & was promised the right to be the 1st to hold the new baby when she came home, since she'd been his birthday present after all. I, for the 1st time in my life, actually began a devious plot to overcome this obviously ill-conceived plan of theirs. It was simply wrong, as this brother had no love for others, especially for a new baby, and I knew this better than anybody (as his personal punching bag and as the family scapegoat.) So, as soon as the parents came home & set the baby down to prepare for the big photo-op, I ran in & scooped her up, forever ruining big bro's chances of being "the first" to hold her. I've never forgotten the look of hatred in his eyes at that moment, and indeed, he wreaked his vengeance plentifully afterward, but in my little mind it was worth it. Besides, all the grown-ups thought it was hysterical.

I just loved the stuffing out of that little girl, then and ever after. I never felt jealous of her. Weird, because she was clearly my parents' favorite and was the only one of 5 kids who never got beaten on. Even when that IQ test thing happened many years later with my Dad, I didn't feel anything like jealousy or anger or anything. Maybe a little bit sad? I don't know. It probably sounds weird and dysfunctional, & I 'spose it is really. I mean, now that I think about it, he didn't need to compare. He could have just seen it as his eldest daughter's thing without bringing the youngest into the conversation, but that's the way he thought & I guess I saw it as normal. Now I don't, but then I did.

Anyway, I sure do run on, don't I? Thanks again. I am going for that degree. I don't know what the outcome will be, but who does? I'm at an age where I can simply enjoy going to school for the sake of learning. I've experienced so many things, including the pain of AS, that I think I have more to offer to others.

BTW: other areas of study that interest me are due to the very siblings mentioned above. That eldest child, the big brother, is a narcissistic sociopath. I don't know when it happened, but the signs were there very early on. It was about 20 years ago that it began to dawn on me. The next-youngest sister I haven't figured out. The youngest one, whom I so adored, is simply a full-blown narcissist. And then there's a baby brother I also haven't figured out fully. He is one of the most devastated alcoholics I've ever known, but aside from that I'm not sure. Me? I'm not sure about that either. Mainly because until recent years I've been mostly oblivious. I've got the AS thing going on, & that explains plenty throughout life, but I honestly think our entire family had/has plenty of narcissism going on, myself included. I'll have to study up on it some more. And letcha know.