Hey, Crosstobear, thanks for your inputs on that check-in thread.

Maybe right now, my mind is trying to control me into thinking about the past, making me live in the past again.

Whatever it is, I feel I should say it out.

I'm a really affectionate person and life-oriented, which is my weakness that cause me my downfall. It takes few days/weeks/months for a normal person move on from a sad situation. As for me, it became an obsessed crush, and it was fluctuating between a glimpse of hope and no hope for 2 years (maybe counting, if you consider my mind trying to dominate me with these falsified images).
My indecisiveness and lack of knowledge to cope with these "emotion" roller coaster, had cause me to veer off from my original intent of getting a good grade from trying my best.

As ridiculous as it may seem, 2 years of resisting someone who rejected me and never spoken to me again, I felt my mind is still being manipulated to commit the same mistakes again. She's has a good nature and is really alluring. Yet, I know it's just what looks like a cinnamon roll but is laced with poison that could be lethal enough to burn my whole body from the inside. As I witness what my mind thought recently, I've noticed it keeps looping over and over on the same thing like an old recorder.

That moment was when it was as though I was my own witness to my mind. It just loops over and over the same thing about the rejection phase that haunted me, I literally shook my head in sigh.

With 6 more months of studies before my official graduation with a diploma, it became clear the same feeling of detachment will seep into me and think about how I missed a chance with " a potential life-partner ". This is the main reason why it is difficult for me to comprehend "People Come and Go" phrase. At this moment, I don't know if I am my real self as what the author of "The Power of Now" described the process of being the quiet witness of your mind.

Afterall, my mind conditions me to be an overthinker, and I acknowledge this is one of the core issue of mine. I am still harping on whether she could be my partner one day, however what is the use of focusing my energy on it? I wasted 2 good years brooding over that rejection phase that I could not optimize my academic performance in school.

I've made mistakes, cringe-worthy mistakes. Now I'm saying here, my mind is fogging me with negativity, I said to myself " I should stop writing now, I need a rest. " Reminds me of reading that book, I told myself to took a little nap on the bus as my eyes gets tired. When I felt awake after that brief nap, I would open my book and start reading again. It's not a book I could read straight, it had me re-reading certain paragraphs, but mostly what I had felt, was peace.

Thank you lilodian4ever, and crosstobear, as well as a number of members of the similar experience who have been there, whether it be minor or magnificent. I'm not leaving this forum, but I feel a little lighter than usual.