I agree. You are far from dirt. You're self esteem has taken a serious beating. What life circumstances you must have had. I wish I could take away your pain. Worried about you.
Many of your symptoms, especially numbness, apathy... and others you named I've experienced many times until I found help. I just want you to know I've been where you are, the substance abuse and all the self-loathing, etc. You sound like you have a kind heart. Be kind to yourself. Find someone you trust, any one, to talk to regularly about your feelings (all they need to do is listen). Look on-line for resources for free therapy or for therapy at greatly reduced prices that are exist to help people in need. Or try a Spiritual Counselor for lowering costs of therapy / psychiatry. My own parents were dead-set against taking any of us to the hospital, a psychologist or anyone who might figure out all the painful trauma "stories" and secrets locked up inside me. There is always hope. PLEASE don't give up without a good fight. It's difficult to find help, I know, when you feel lost, alone, tired, apathetic and worthless. I'm on you side.