Well, Lady... you've tapped into one of my bigger issues that I haven't dealt with. There must be a name for it, but if I was to put it down, I'd have to look at the report my T wrote up for SS Disability. Not sure I want to delve into that right now because it would hurt.

There was a time that I was fiercely independent but sometime in the last seven years I've lost that independence and have become a dependent person. Maybe my independence vanished when I dealt with my anger issues. I'm not sure. There's no doubt in my mind that I can take care of myself although I wouldn't enjoy it... or so I think right now. There's also a good chance that I'm still looking for the proper nurturing that I missed when I was growing up or it could be that I'm still looking for that someone who will live up to what my mother "said" was nurturing. She sure didn't live up to it although she provided for me well enough and was very affectionate... yet there was something that she paid lip service to that wasn't there and never has been for me from anyone. At least, not in 3D. How much of that expectation is realistic and how much of it isn't, I don't have a handle on right now. Some of it I know is the expectation of what real love is, or what I THINK real love is. Some of it is the need that all humans have of someone that is significant in our lives and someone we know that we can trust and/or fall back on when we need to. But as I sit here typing this out, I can feel this little girl inside of me having a temper tantrum because no one is taking care of her. It's a fact that no one knows how or can take better care of that injured child than the rational adult... so what's stopping me?

You're damn right I feel vulnerable... so do I like that feeling? What is my pay-off? Good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, there's something in it for me! But what is it?? Is it the affirmation that I'm not lovable or worthy of anyone's love? Or is it my inner child stubbornly holding on to expectations that she knows won't come to pass? I don't know. I can't see the forest for the trees right now.