Yo, forgot to say congrats on new babies!

And nop, I consider myself still new, I don't read much here on PC, who rejected you? I can go and whip that *** for you,,haha. Nice to C U, anyhow and the cat avatar is a cute little thing. kinda hard to resist to feel soft so, maybe next time, I can get on your profile and see what kind of person you are, etc.. from Sunny California. Sounds nice but maybe too much sun for me,,

Well,,I'm checking in the second time today, I just got off work, it was a 8hrs shift, I used to do it without any problems, but past few days has been tough. I slept good last night and it is kinda working against me, I'm still running out of my breath right now, at every minutes that passes, it's like I've been running a full marathon, there's no time to get back to normal breathing, doing normal things like eating or thinking and doing what I'm gonna do in the next few minutes. If I were to do a few little things in the next couple of minutes, I will need to write those down and have to have the list with me the whole time to do things the way I'm supposed to do. Really anything I do has become so hard to do, staying away from this place, reading some old threads in BP forum in search of answeres, listening to musics, and all other things I've been trying don't seemed to be enough to keep my mind at ease.

And I have 14 hrs shifts waiting tomorrow and the day after. Then I get a day off. Some of you may know how I been fairing lately, I go bonkers when there's no structures/reality check/other eyes with me. I have too little personal responsibility, and it's good on one hand 'cos I won't be hurting no one, but on the other, I'm not handling my own mind, I think about making a thread asking specific questions but I don't think that's gonna help. I'm getting used to it, I just have to watch my mind and don't let it wander off every single seconds, every waking hours and this is just too exhausting.

There is this music track by yelawolf, I want it on my Kindle, but if I did that, and if I get to listen to it at every break at work tomorrow or even tonight, that could break my brain apart. Every senses on my body gets inputs, all I can do is I switch focus and try not to stay on one thought, while I have to think about taking a .shower and get ready for tomorrow.

How much sleep would be the best for me tonight? I have no friggin' idea and got no time to search and know. I know this is not a progress at all, it's just enduring, and I'm not looking for a cycle, I sometimes get this pressure in my head and the aspirin I took may have took care of it, though, the speed of which my brain is at work right now is the same, If I stop thinking, following anything for the right amount of time, this room that I'm looking out from my eyeballs might start to spin, li-te-ral^-lly.

I'm gonna stop here. I don't know how this gonna play out, one thing I have to prevent no matter what is to goi off the ledge and forget about my breathing, just black out at home, on the way to work, or at work, unless I'm in bed sleeping, ,,

The learning and getting used to part is true, I can now take shower without feeling every pleasurable sensations, and the shaving's not that dangerous, I do it every morning and I can't call them routine, you set any routine and do 'em without problems at all.

I don't even know what I'm really struggling with, If I let my thoughts to go to places where I see thinking void or someplace, a little feeling start to blossom and I know it drags me into it deeper, more emotions gonna come and ,,sweep me away. I'm not slipping away from reality, I'm trapped in it.

This is me, helping myself, starting my own journal and letting myself out in that way ,,,ain't my style. I need to be here, doing this out bursting. Still got few more things to do, There's no word to describe where my head's at right now. It's just awake. If this were a really piece of paper, I'd be shreading this to pieces this second...when I click and send this post, do I get extra space in my head for me to not so vigilant all the time, lose that control again and repeat that every minutes??