Thanks guys. The weird thing is that time is limited because it is likely that I'll be moving on when I finish up my studies. I'm not sure why he keeps saying it... Maybe because he is trying to introduce the topic so I tell him a little something about how I feel about it? Could be that. I just... Would rather avoid the topic (as is my way) than talk about it. Embarrassing. For him to see something of how upset I'm going to feel. Embarrassing.

We do get on pretty well really. I think it is mostly about how tired I feel when I go. I'm really so tired that I'm almost dreaming when I'm awake. Super dooper sensitive. Hallucinating a little. Intense feelings. Intense feelings that he is malevolent etc that are coming from a dreaming place I think. Somatic memories or something. Fear / paranoia is much much worse in the space between sleeping and waking...

There is something about... Needing someone when they don't need you. Really caring a great deal about someone when they really don't care a great deal about you. Expressing vulnerability to someone when they aren't correspondingly vulnerable with you. Hard for me.

We talked a little about how I apologise a lot. He asked me what that was about. I said sometimes it is that I'm trying to indicate that I'm aware that I've done something that isn't optimal and I mean to indicate that I'm aware of that and will endevour not to do it again. E.g., I was about 5 or 10 minutes late to last session because I missed the bus and I apologised for being late. But other times it is about... Appeasement, I guess. Trying to prevent upset. Seeking a little reassurance. I said about how I used to apologise a lot to my mother to try and get her to calm down and I wasn't really sure what I was apologising for a lot of the time. He asked if I have ever felt like he has been mad at me. I shook my head. I don't think he has been... I don't worry about him getting mad and losing it and assaulting me. I do worry about him feeling frustrated / annoyed / sick of me and wishing he didn't have to see me anymore, though. I didn't tell him that. Didn't occur to me at the time.

In the funny space between sleeping and waking...

Power and control. I have issues around power and control. Sometimes I do convey weakness. Appeasement. Trying to minimise the damage others will inflict. Trying to minimise the pain. Othertimes I do convey power and control. Untouchability. Trying to minimise the damage others will inflict. Trying to minimise the pain. Not sure how it is determined which strategy I will adopt.

My parents didn't love me. I created this idealisation of my father. my father loved me. I had to believe that. But of course he didn't love me. Nobody did. The only people who showed an interest in me wanted to sleep with me or have some kind of sexual contact with me. I don't do intimacy. If people feel close then I panic. Panic. Have to shove them away hard. Can't let people in. Can't let them be close. Don't know how to love. Don't know how to allow others to love me. Untouchable. Unreachable. I feel... Broken. Lonly. So lonly. But if I let someone in then when they extract themself I'll explode into a billion different pieces. The terror will take over. The black lines and the distorted shapes. Functioning will disintegrate. Longings for death will consume me. I'm not safe.