I'm a 17 year old female and ever since I can remember I have always felt uncomfortable around men.. I think I may have been molested as a child & I need some help to piece together & to know I'm not crazy.
I remember one night in a particular when I was 7 I was at a party with parents at their friends house. I remember there was so many people there, I remember what the house looked like, I remember playing with the other children. All this is weird cause most of my childhood memories seem to be blocked from my memory. I remember that night 3 things happening; a man standing over me angry, I remember being in a dark room crying, & I remember a little girl telling me that we aren't supposed to wear panties to bed cause that's what her daddy said. Her dad was the host of the party and he's the man I remember seeing being angry with me. I don't know what happened that night but that night is so vivid in my memory, something significant had to happen right? I talked to my cousin and he said that strangely that night is vivid to him too.
This was around time that I became very withdrawn & would be the time that my life started spiraling down hill. I'd find myself crying cause I honestly felt like men were always looking at me sexually. I remember from that young age wanting to look pretty for guys, older guys. At this age I started to get very addicted to sexual things.. Porn & masturbation..incest & the thought of rape turned me. I felt so dirty fm for this, I still do. This is very hard to talk about because I was raised in a christian home where none of this is acceptable. I was an outgoing kid until around this time.. Then I became isolated & fell into a deep depression. It was until a few years ago that I felt like something had happened when I was little to make me so depressed, that made me feel so dirty & scared. I started cutting and getting in trouble in school. I've seen therapists for my depression and I've been on medicine for it .. But I still feel lost. In trying to get to the root of my problems so I can finally heal and maybe one day be in a healthy relationship. I can't talk to my therapist about this because she's friends with my parents. It wasn't until a few months ago that all these memories started coming back. I can remember time and time again of being scared in front of guys. & I keep having nightmares of the angry mans face...

I won't say anything cause I don't want to accuse anybody.. Am I just trying to find something to blame on my fear of men & my depression ? Or do you think something actually could have happened