Hi
I am not sure it is approptiate to write this here. I have never written about it. I pushed it away for decades. But here it goes. Taking deep breath

A couple of weeks after my 19th birthday I went to visit my boyfriend I had met while on Christmas Vacation from college. He was going to school in Florida. i was visiting there with my parents for christmas vacation.

Fast forward 5 1/2 months he asked me to go to New Jersey where he was staying with his parents for the summer school break. I went. His parents went out and he forced sex on me. I came home and told my friends. They knew him from Florida. They were furious. But I didnt really understand why they were. I thought it was my fault.

I forgot about it. Every once in a while over the decades it would flash in my mind for a few minutes. Eventually even the bathroom scene where I was door locked screaming in terror on the top of my lungs while he was trying to bash down the door. I was stuck there. I lived a plane ride away.

After decades of it flashing through my mind for a few minutes each year or two, I now accept that I was date raped. But a part of me may never fully stop blaming myself. Of course that is wrong to blame the self. But this is what society has done to girls and women ( and of course guys who are raped). The victim is blamed. The blame is the gift that keeps on giving. Year after year. Sometimes decade after decade.

For me, I was pre-disposed to the self blame because of extreme emotional abuse growing up. I was pre-disposed to finding abusers to date. But for anyone who has had sex when you said no, it is not your fault ever. No matter what. I was even screaming with all my might and blamed myself. How very sad. I do hope it was okay to write this. Because it is a first for me. I have remained silent all these years. This is the first time I have told the story... since 2 days after it happened when I did not have a clue that it was not may fault and I had in fact been abused.