i had a hard morning. the voices in my head were really awful and as i was driving to group i thought the radio was sending me messages thru the songs they were playing. i got there early and i couldnt sit still. i took a prn beofre i left my house but it didnt help at all. i felt trapped with those stupid voices on the way to see T because i had to drive there. i felt like if i could get out of my car and get into the building it would go away. but it didnt and i felt even worse there because i knew i had to pretend to be normal which is so hard when all u wanna do is scream and run out the door. i told T before group that i was having problems. he said try another prn but i didnt. i kept thinking that maybe it was just bc the group and once it starts ill feel better. but of course i didnt i couldnt pay attention to anything they were saying and i felt like a freak and i felt like they all knew i was crazy and they were staring at me. i had left my keys on the table in the middle of the room and i have a pill container on it with my prns in it. T picked it up and silently handed it to me so i took 1. about near the end of the group i felt calmer and more organized and i was listening to what they were saying. so i felt better.

then i met with T afterwards and i was talking about how the psychosis seemed fun at first, like i was understanding things noone understood and i was figuring out all of lifes questions and that felt amazing. T told me he felt the same way. i asked him if he has been psychotic. i knew he has bipolar. he said he has been in a semi delusional state from mania. i would have never known!!! i am glad he told me that because now i know he can kinda understand what i am talking about. he said he is healthier and happier and has peace now. that gives me hope that i can recover and find peace like he has.

i didnt get lots of sleep last night so i think im gonna take a nap. i think that may be why things were so bad this morning. i have to finish my homework today.