Thank you for replying Justice.

I think self-esteem does have some to do with how I think about things-- you're right about that. and also right about emotional abuse setting a pattern in my way of thinking. Yes this all makes very good sense--thank you.

I also think in my case, trauma(PTSD) has made it that much harder to get beyond this pattern of thinking/feeling. I struggle to trust anyone to help me..... so fearful of anyone getting close. But, I am trying hard by reaching out here and also have been keeping it distant(but still a connection) by emailing my former T., instead of meeting with him in person...... this feels less threatening to me.

Well, thanks for your insights-- they are helpful.

mandy