I've had good news and bad news this past week. The good news is after the mess up with my refinance loan it was reapproved for a higher amount, on Monday I closed so I am no longer in foreclosure. The bad part is that because of the mistaken amount I did not get much money back. I got the check today for about $2500 and that's not even enough to cover my recent past due debt. It was originally going to be about $12,000 which would pay off my debt and give me enough leftover to live on for a few more months, including paying the first few payments on the new loan if necessary.

Anyway there is bigger news. I interviewed for a job last week and I got it. I'm working again, I started on Monday (the same day I closed my loan). I didn't tell anyone because after the mess up with the loan I wanted to wait until everything was finished and done.

The job is the one I wanted at the place I was hoping. But I am taking a huge pay cut to work there. Huge. The main reason I wanted to work there was because I thought it would be a good place to use my skills but part of it was that it was one of the only places I could think of that might pay me what I think I am worth. That part didn't come true. I do like it there but I've come home exhausted and in pain every day. Very bad back pain, neck pain, and headache everyday. Mostly I think because of stress. Stress from the job and also worrying about money, I think I am going to be making barely enough to make ends meet. That wouldn't be so bad except that over the past 7 years I've gotten used to having more money... not so much to spend as to be able to pay down my debt quickly and to not have to worry about emergencies like if I need a new roof. I'll barely be able to make minimum payments on my debt and I won't be able to save anything. I'm 42 years old and I've gone through all of my savings and through my pension plan to live off the past year, so I now have zero in reserve for retirement or enjoying myself. Not a place I want to be right now. And being so exhausted after work doesn't give me the chance to make alternate plans or brush up on other skills in my "spare time"

I'm glad to be working again. If I was making more money I wouldn't care that the refund from the loan is going to disappear just catching up on my debt. If the loan refund was larger I wouldn't care about the pay cut at work, because I would still have a big "buffer" to live off of for emergencies and fluctuations. Just the fact that I'll be hovering near zero in the bank is stressful. What will I do when the time comes that I really won't be able to work anymore? Count on my "friends" most of whom I haven't even heard from over the past year?

I was really planning to share this news on Monday after closing my loan but its been one unending speed run. I was also hoping to just relax and catch up this weekend, but today I've had severe back pain all day, and tomorrow I have to get up early for the walk-a-thon in Manhattan. I was so tired that I missed my support group last night, even though that's all I was thinking about all week for some stress relief, and didn't make it to the dance club tonight, even though that has been my only time I've really had some fun over the past few months.

If I can get used to working and not come home with a headache everyday I'll feel a lot better. As it is I'm worried I won't be able to keep this up, and with no "buffer" I'll be in real trouble if I lose this job. If I miss my first payment on the new loan that is going to be a really very bad thing.

It will take me a while to catch up on messages here and I'll probably miss a lot of them. This weekend is shot on that count.