Today has been absolutely awful, and for absolutely no rational reason.

My brain is a terrorist, and it attacks at random no matter what in the world I am trying to do or accomplish. It causes such turmoil that I would honestly rather be in constant physical pain than deal with its mental writhings. Perhaps the mild pain pills that I took really were providing me with a buffer, because I didn't feel nearly so activated before.

All day I've been dwelling on the hurtful things that my boyfriend said to me while we were seperated and the awful way that he treated me. He was seeing someone while we were apart and after *less* than a month had decided to move in with her. According to him she gave him tickles and made fun at my desperate attempts to be with him again. Great. All the while I'm making him a baby, waiting for him for hours like a third class citizen because he didn't have the decency to tell me that he wouldn't meet with me someplace... he just let me wait for him wherever I was (standing me up). I made artwork for him, dropped sleeping aids at his door because when he was having trouble sleeping... God, and I forgave him for sleeping with another girl three days after we broke up right before my sonogram (his door was unlocked when I went in to pick him up and... whoops). Honestly, the only part of that that hurt me was that he said "sorry" to her before he left with me. I was having a panic attack outside of the door and I did not receive an apology. At all. Ever.

...and just, all of this is killing me because it keeps looping in my mind. I have no idea where to place it. It's been looping ever since we got back together and I've been crying to myself off and on, but today it's been intolerable... and I can't medicate it like I was able to during my second trimester. I actually had to flush my xanax down the toilet a while back because I knew that I couldn't trust myself not to take it (brain being out to kill me and all).

Really, the most horrible thing that he ever said to me was that I should be more like tickle-btch, his ex (the one whom he was going to move in with, but didn't because she didn't love him enough to even consider taking care of his child... I believe that she was *using* his feelings for her just to get away from her abusive husband). He told me this after I had agreed to move in with him again... after he told me that he still loved me, he called me "inferior." Worse yet, when she completely called it off with him a couple of days later (which I thought had already happened, but I have this problem where I trust the ones I love), he yelled at me for it. Which he doesn't remember doing, because he was completely wasted and had taken my xanax.

...I don't know what to do. I can't stop these thoughts from circulating. It's like poison and it has been going on since I woke up five hours ago. I feel like I am in hell. I want to leave and distract myself, but I'm stranded here without any gas.

I'll approach him soon and tell him that he needs to apologize for telling me to be like his ex and yelling at me later... yelling "She was my BEST FRIEND." It just hurts. I've been putting up with feeling miserably scorned for two months now. I really can't forgive him until he apologizes.

...and I really haven't told him that I've been holding on to any of this, so I don't blame him for not saying anything. I can't feel loved by him until I get some closure for this, though. I threw out all of her shi* a while back, but I just cannot shut my brain off.

Ugh.

---------Edit:
I keep second-guessing myself on bringing this up while I'm not medicated. Maybe I should just deal with it by myself?

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