Thank you again for your replies. You guys have been very helpful. I've been through the stage where I could see that I was reacting to an unacceptable situation... Maybe for about 2 years. And then it got much more serious. I fight a lot inside, my own thoughts and all the negative feelings but I got to the point where I was hopeless and where morbid thoughts were recurrent. Unlike before when I felt Like fixing the unacceptable situation would fix me too, I don't feel that way anymore at all. I feel like there's no definite reason associated with my pain anymore and like it's just my state. I feel like I don't even think it's possible to ever feel different. My boyfriend and I had plans that I was really looking forward to and I realize that even when I think that in 5 years we will be together with children pets and whatever we've wanted to have a happy life, that I still wouldn't be happy. Like it's in me so deeply. And I am mentally exhausted.

That was a turning point for me that made the difference between reacting to the events, and being truly depressed.

I'm really thankful for all your messages and support.