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HD, having read some recent posts, first, I'd like to state my understanding of your situation - You were greatly wronged by the healthcare system ... your records were falsified, your reputation was tarnished, you were abused and otherwise traumatized. You are/were considering legal action against them. During this process, and generally, you tend to express your anger in emotionally charged outbursts when you're in "emotion mind" ... you tend to say things that worsen your situation. Also, you are easily attached to people in your life (e.g. therapists and people in DBT group), and are devastated when they abandon you. Your mind keeps replaying this trauma, and you are held hostage by the resulting anxiety. Right ?
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Lilodian,
Thank you for taking the time to post so much on this thread. I will be reading it more than once. I cannot express how good it feels that you took the time to post these things. Thank you.
To answer your first post - yes - you are accurate. I have been wronged and I am have been traumatized and I am just trying to survive all of it... I am bombarded by thoughts and flashbacks of what happened, things these people said and did, nightmares, panic attacks and tons of emotions. I do not choose to think about these things. I would do anything to remove the thoughts and emotions. I still cannot believe it all happened! It's just unbelievable. And to think this could happen to any one of us! These people should be in jail and be stripped of their licenses. But they won't.
I have been broken in two. I am surprised I am still alive to be honest. I cannot bring myself to another mental health professional in the public system. I am terrified of mental health professionals, I am terrified of any public health care system and I am terrified to speak the truth... It is not fair. My therapist's threatened me for God sakes, they said if I kick they'll kick twice as hard - and they said it with a smiling malicious grin on their face. They laughed about what they were doing as if it was a chore and as if they were getting paid tons of cash to protect the union and the truth from getting out. My therapist joked about me not having protection and rubbed in how painful it is... No joke. She did this the last time I went into their building while walking down the hallway. Never seen that side of humanity. But it was deeply disturbing. And to think I was deeply attached to these people and I felt as much for them as I did for myself... It was hell.
What this DBT program taught me is that telling the truth only leads to worse things... That therapists are not safe, that when given the power to destroy someone's life - it does not matter if that person in power is an ethical person - they will all stoop to low levels to protect themselves, even at the expense of someone else's life... They almost killed me. And they knew it...
Absolutely disgusting.
I hope I make it through this because if I do - I will have one hell of a movie to make.
Thanks,
HD