Am not sure if I should start another thread but desided that all this anxiety is all linked into the same episode so I am just going to continue here.

Woke up this morning thinking about my marriage in the past. It was awful and abusive. He didn't spend time with me, he would rather go drinking with his buddies and when he got home late and drunk he would want to have sex with me. I felt like a *****. No purpose other then to be...Can't use the word that is appropriate for the statement. Sigh. Even though things are better now, he woke up when I went into the hospital and he has tried to change and he is making it plain how much he loves me and is family I still wish I would have left him. I wonder if I had left him how would I be different today? Would I have accessed the Goddess within me and become a agent in my own success? Would I have broken the cycle the my life runs in? Would I still hurt myself? Instead I let him walk all over me and I got my point across by allowing myself to fall apart and be weak and sick. This bothers me. I don't feel like my pain was ever addressed. It just sits there in my gut and bubbles. In couples therapy I tried to get it out but was told that it is the past and it isn't fair to bring the past into the present. What scares me is that all this acid is going to come out during our session on thursday and he will never forgive me. And what makes me want to cut right now is the fact that I need to be forgiven for what he has done.
Carrie