I don't wanna fail like last Monday, I have to keep it together.

I've done morning rap karaoke session, I was doing that more than half an hour, I'm becoming a noisy neighbor who talks to himself out loud and LOVES saying 'BUISCUits, biscuits'....I just wanna go out and go to a KFC, and find a kid who don't know anything about the world and demand my gravy on it, and tell him that I'm about to pop the trunk!! I should also threaten the kid to reveal the secret recipe while I'm at it, eh?

It's all in my imagination, I assure you, It's been so bloody man,,I thought about stealing a car and taking a joy ride and, I slaughtered so many humans in my head, I even skinned. two cats...it's been fun to think that I'm a psychopathic killer. This imagination exercises keeps my head busy, I haven't yelled at too many people at work, I wasn't too nice to people around me, and that is a good thing. I still talked too much though..

It's all about inputs and outputs of my brain, that's what I gotta manage to get through this dreaded Monday off today. I really wanna succeed this time, the weather's good, cloudy! and it won't get too hot, so, it's better. I prepared myself for today, I've done some laundry and the part of clean up of my room, I still have a lot more to go. I may need to go out later, and do what I wanted to do, I'm doing this for the next Monday too, I just gotta get a hang of it, 'cos I have no idea how long this is gonna last.

I learnt an important lesson yesterday btw, lots of other ppl talk to themselves! And some of them are polite to an inanimate object. I just cuss at them, so now I have less worries, ppl don't usually pay attention to those behaviors normally, I'm realizing that now. The more free,,er I feel about it, the more I find myself talking in my own head and I'm not so sure if I'm talking to this other persona or, to whom/what I'm talking exactly. Say this typing, who's this aimed at?

If I think about it, lots of what other ppl do are odd to me, like facebook and blogging, if they are not talking to audiences, they are just talking to the ether. I don't see that as journaling, that is defintely one for themselves, isn't it? If I were talking with someone, and if I didn't take things personally, who are they talking to? Not me, and I think I deflect things and think everything i hear/see in my own ways. People don't seem to like that though...

I've seen/heard enough probably, even if I don't remember all of them. If my brain really wants to take the time and pay attention to things, I have no good reason to go against that.

I already had a tiny success last night, I lit a candle on the balcony outside and I got to relax! It had been ages since I felt like that, and it wasn't even planned, I just knew it was about time so, I thought of doing another non alcoholic beer experiment and I decided against it somehow, then I came home and the summer's almost over, the outside air's cool enough, I heard next door neighbors voice so I didn't put on any music, the city light was too bright for the true candle lit comfort zone but my mind settled at a place where It was really supposed to.

I don't think I need to win every battle, I'm not conquering a country or be a king of my own world. If anything, I should be talking with myself hell a lot more to get along.

With that thought, I still gotta learn more about my condition. Last week, only a couple of days ago, I had a Deja Vu moment and I wanna know why that happens. Also I had a moment, 'oh, yea? maybe this is what other people say, racing mind. ...' It's not an easy concept for me to understand, how do you know that, anyways? When does it hit you that you have that type of mental frame of mind? Sometimes my point of view are hopping with that thoughts that might be racing, or sometimes I see that from another angle, seeing/following the train of thoughts. I'm with the mind connections/sparks at times and not at some other times.

And there's another thing that came to my mind the other day, which is 'clawling out of my skin' feeling that's used in this community or maybe it was mentioned in 'the good book', is it 5th edition now? I thought of biting into my own skin when my mind got confused, but I'm pretty comfortable with my own skin. I think this is quite personal, for me, out side of my own skin means a certain death, I have no spiritual realm to have another life or no hallucinations that shows me the world in different tone.

I read yesterday where someone was saying that she couldn't get to sleep because anything could happen while she was asleep, a legitimate concern, I have to say. An emergency psychiatric help is the same for me, without knowing exactly what they are gone do to me, I wouldn't even consider taking myself into their care even if it kills me. And as I have said earlier, there are lots of work that I can do myself, nothing's clear cut at this point. The personality differences and the medical help they are under, the brain's imagining function covers so many things, creates and lends hands to make other brain evolve. Essentially, the help that I need is everywhere, all I need is a tiny hint from other evolved brain to interact with mine, maybe I should bring this to a close, the reality is just a state of mind, peace be with you today.