i went to my pdoc today...whatever

...the office had a very short history form to fill out.
(1) What brings you here? work stress and self injury
(2) Treatment history? lots off and on for years - hospitalized three times - last hospitalized last week
(3) Medications? Zoloft & Welbutrin

he ended up asking me the typical checklist of questions...sleeping, eating, etc. and never even asked about my hospitalization, my work stress or my self injury!!

i know he's not a therapist and that he's there to provide medicinal relief - but geez....

also he said my primary care doc could just continue writing my perscriptions so i don't have to see that pdoc again since he's about 45 min away (that's just where the hospital could get an appt, i guess)

i needless to say didn't say anything about my little issue to the pdoc...i hate my vagina and i hate me!

you all have been so loving and compassionate - i feel like i betray you by not stopping! i say i'll try and i DO mean it....i just fail....

i tried making it through last night but gave in and gave in this morning and just gave in again.....it hurts a little now all the time but i think i have a UTI cause it stings...that may've been from the catheter in the hospital or this, i guess....

i'm thinking of going to my primary care doc's office. my only concern is saying why i need to be checked out down there...what will they do if i say i'm si-ing there!!!....baker act me again!

i don't want to go back into the hospital - for what....72-hours and then i'm doing the same things only worse....before i went in last week i was only cutting and burning myself on the arms and stomach. now i'm hurting my privates and cutting my breast!!! call me crazy - but i'm thinking i'm worse now than i was before!!!!

also went to work today - my boss illuded to she and the president having to make a decision about me (i.e. to fire me) she did mention our short-term disability....maybe a little relief from the work stress....



sorry for rambling on.... might be time to give up on me!!!