Dear G, Monday, Tuesday, and then on Wednesday I will finally see you again. Three more days, and I know I keep repeating myself, but I am so scared. I plan to read you the letter I have written to you about my transference and the romantic feelings, if I can even bring myself to speak the words on the page. It's over 500 words! Will you be able to listen to my stilted, monotone voice while I try to squeeze all those scary words out of my throat? I know you said that nothing I say will make you walk away from me, but I have such a hard time believing that. I just know that if I were in your position and a woman 10 years younger than me told me she was romantically attracted to me I think I might feel kind of weirded out. I don't expect you to feel the same way about me; I have no intention of acting on those feelings, and I've put that in the letter too, but I'm worried you will think that's the reason I started asking for hugs, and it's not. It's how you hold me, and let me hold onto you for more than a brief hug, that started those feelings. Suddenly I became more aware of your body, how your body felt pressed against me, and it was a really nice feeling. It woke up something in my body that feels good but scares the hell out of me. This I will not tell you, because I feel so ashamed and I don't want to freak you out and make you not want to hug me. I know you are a Christian, and I have no idea what your beliefs are about same sex relationships, and I am scared that even if you don't outwardly reject me, inwardly you will feel repulsed by me. I know what my mom thinks about being homosexual - that it is something to be very ashamed of, and I am certain she would not want any of her friends to find out if I decided to come out as a lesbian. I made an off-the-cuff comment last summer about how I wished I had the guts to stop shaving my legs like some of the women I used to work with. My mom's response was, "People would think you were a lesbian if you did that." When I was a teenager and had noticeable hair growing above my lip she told me that people probably thought I was homosexual and that's why I was having a hard time finding a job. She sure knows how to make me feel like worthless $h!t.